Oh blah dee

I've been feeling blah for a bit
Dunno if it's a seasonal hit
I don't know what to do
I'm hating and hating what I do
And sometimes what I do not
I live without a single thought
Bored out of my wits and without a song
I'm usually blah, March to May
but never this far in the year or day
I seem to have copped out sold out shipped out
everything but made out
with my potential, sense of destiny
and now I'm down on bended knee
not proposing but waiting for decapitation
a release, onanism anything for a fraction
of purpose of blahlessness

Happiness

unhappiness meant unhappiness with mediocrity
with doing everything that has been done before, thought before, written before
now that I'm happy
does that mean I'm mediocre
and is that supposed to make me unhappy
is this a lovely circular loop from which one can't break

it isn't.
I'm happy, I'm alright
the only nagging feeling is of having deceived myself for all these years.

Ecdysis - Skin shedding

I have a thick skin, a thicker skin than most
Thickened with years of callousness, cynicism, odium, doubt
But I didn't sleep for much of the weekend
Some nightmares, some random thoughts on what I would do if I were trapped like this
What in a hotel room could be made into a weapon, a defence?
And I grew angry simmering on a slow flame
So I read the world press to grasp what I felt
Islam, kafirs, India, Pakistan, porous borders, pervious resources
Kashmir, human rights violations, ISI, counter-intelligence, bad governance
And the flame flickered as my anger dissipated
But I wanted to be angry requiring a channel for the well of self-righteous rage
And I realised how vulnerable we are now, perhaps more than before
For our cumulative anger could so easily break upon the wrong shore, the wrong back, the wrong battle
Everything seems complex once again
Perhaps I too would be leaden-footed if I was the government
Am I to fight back, am I to soothe or am I to repair
My anger fades, becomes a deep seated neutered powerlessness
The only thing I remain angry with is News channels claiming exclusive coverage
Do they really love their TRPs above all?
My skin is shed along with my exoskeleton
But what should I do with this blood covered flesh?

Worst Case Scenarios

No swingin lothario
No intrepid impressario
No bikini clad beach in Rio
I'm the king of the Worst Case Scenario

I think 'em bad, I think 'em blue sky
I think 'em with the chips stacked high
I like em to hurt
And I like them with the luck gone dry

But it's not because I'm so dark
And it's not because I like bein' blue
It's coz no matter how much I plan
I'm caught off guard and without a clue.

Alcoholic Clarity

There is an alcohol induced clarity
A settling down of nerves
A calm
Where if you can stop drinking, you can feel the spikes
In other people's energy
And thus tell their greatest problems or joys
fears or moments of happiness

And when I'm like this I'm either really useful
or really manipulative.

Alcohol is my psychic gene
In the last decade more than anything else
Being high has defined what I am.

Has made my most memorable and most forgetable moments
Alcohol makes me clairvoyant, alcohol makes me verbal
and alcohol makes me uncouth
All essential parts of me
The three qualities I would use to describe myself socially.
The other would be a mixed up personality
Ponderous or flaky
Serious or fun
the Sage or the fool.

And alcohol can make me either.
Alcohol is my mistress
my guru
my mother.

On Answers

Build it and they will come
Be light and be fun
Empty your mind go Vipasana
Be quiet be open
Be a conduit for energy
Just be
Jest be
And wait
Don't gyrate, don't twist the mind
the mind alas, doesn't have the answer
it barely understands the question
Don't accept don't shun
Don't expect that there'll be just one
Don't expect in fact
Leave it

It will come.

Or if if doesn't you won't be worried about it
You won't be hurried about it
You won't be about it
May be that's all there is to it
Like everything else that's important to you
Be counterintuitive
Give it less importance and it will come
The final divine cock-tease
The only things that come to you are things that you don't need
Attraction is a flow
from lower to higher
from need to desired
of wanting to not wanted

The answers will come when you stop asking the question
when the question itself is meaningless.

Empty handed

I used to be a palmist, I guess I still am. I guess more than any book that defines me, that makes me, my daily palmistry has made me what I am. I look at my palms every day. Sometimes hopefully, as I see a new line emerge from the folds- from the patterns of the skin. Sometimes with fear. Yet I do this everyday. And as new theories about lines emerge from books or the subconscious, I try to change the lines, will them to change, will life to change.
But life resists, almost telling me to believe in other things. To not put so much stock by destiny. To embrace other arts. To think for myself, to live in the present.
And life likes teaching me lessons.
But like life, I too resist. There must be a plan there has to be a plan. Plans leave signs, and signs if you know how, are readable.
But why read the signs why be interested in the outcome why not fight the good fight?
Because because because. Because there is self interest and desire and the life one wants.
Then why not live it, why read the signs?
Life beats me in an argument every time. But life loses the sale.
I still read the signs, I still try and interpret, and still pit will against foreboding. It must be something wholly irrational. It may be paranoia, neuroses, a hollowness. But it's a stronger pull than an argument, stronger even than proof.
So I look at my hands every morning through bleary eyes and I think what can this mean. Have I made a step that has a possible outcome ten years hence or is this too temporary, fleeting, ultimately meaningless and empty?